My husband bought me a laptop computer for our anniversary. He never buys me presents and to just go out and buy a computer... It was weird. Good though. Mostly good. If he'd have asked I would have said no, my old computer is fine. And it was. The battery was awful and I had to stay plugged in all the time but it did what I needed it to do. Now I have this thing that can do way more than I need it to do and I'm back to the same old problems of discipline. I haven't worked on the novel at all since getting this computer two weeks ago. I was already way behind.
Behind what? No one cares if I write. Sometimes I don't even care. I'm not going where I want to go with it and I can't seem to break free of whatever it is that's keeping me back. What I mean is, I write and sometimes it's easy and sometimes it's hard but it's never magic. There's never a point where I feel like what I'm writing is fantastic, or even real. My writing is just words, black and white, marching across the screen.
My poetry was never good but at least I felt like I was saying something.
And I didn't even figure it out but it doesn't matter.
Instead of sitting down and hashing it out I'm here. I still have a few more scene ideas before I'm completely stuck and I suppose I could continue the way I'm going but I don't want to end up with another hot mess like my first novel. That was an unfixable puddle of goo.
- Mood:
blah
I'm a wimp, a spoiled wimp. Most people deal with these type of things everyday, but I've been a Stay at home mom for so long, I'm not used to life. Friday is a field trip with my youngest daughter (8). Not only do I have to deal with people, I have take care of other people's children AND drive on the freeway. That alone is enough to make me feel out of sorts this week, but I'm also trying to get in to college. I've been accepted but I have to talk to an advisor before they will let me enroll. Which means I have to make a PHONE call and talk to an Authority figure. Hopefully said Authority Figure won't be a prick, jerk or arrogant ass like many advisors that I have known.
And then there's my younger brother's wedding in a few weeks which involves travel, spending money we don't have, and hanging out with people I don't know. My younger brother being one of the people I don't know. At all. I haven't been around him much since he was what... nine? sheesh.
None of these things is really a big deal, so why do I feel like such a basket case?
I've never been fond of sewing though I always wanted to be. I'd buy patterns and maybe cut out the pieces and then, that's it, thrown in a drawer and forgotten. Then, last week I bought a book called Sew What! skirts, and suddenly I'm having a ball. I made one draw-string A-line for myself and a prairie skirt for each of the daughters. And it was easy. Maybe that's what makes it fun? Next on the list is a half circle wrap skirt and I better get it done soon because next week it's back to writing.
When I copied Flowers into Word so that I could print it, I discovered that it was only 20,000 words long. Hah. I knew it was short because I skimmed a lot but I thought it was longer than that. Well, no worries, it'll all work out. I'm not supposed to think about it for at least a week though. Gotta let it get cold in my mind. I do have the feeling that I'm going to need more scenes. I estimate my short scenes to be about one fourth as long as the completed ones should be so that's only 60-80,000 words. Maybe what I should do is go ahead and write one so I can see what the word count difference is. Errr, in a week that is.
Chai, Chibi kitty, Cookie
Earl Gray, the little devil, Mr. Independant, Squirly Early.
Uno, Loverboy, Bruno, Unsie (Oonsie?) Doodle
This is Earl Gray, peeking from under the bed.
Chai was the only girl kitten.
This in Uno. When the kittens were this little sometimes they would ALL be in the hamper sleeping.
I'm trying to learn to draw with colored pencil and I've hurt myself. My right hand and arm hurt because Yesterday (and the day before) I decided to draw a daylily. When I start drawing I have a hard time stopping until I'm finished, so one I day I did the flower, the next day I did the leaves. It took me a total of about four hours. If I'd tried to do the leaves and the flower at the same time that'd be four hours all in one day. Yikes.
An it still doesn't look finished. The leaves are too light, and the background is yick. See, the picture I used for the leaves had a lot of light in it so the leaves look luminous, but of course my drawing isn't that way. I should have use that picture for the layout only and a different one for the colors maybe. Still wouldn't have come out that good, because I'm just learning, but maybe it would have been better.
The tarot cards are urging perseverance. I don't want to be a monkey. I want to be a turtle. Turtles are good because they get where they're going. I monkey swings from the trees and forgets why he's there in the first place.
Many months ago I decided since I couldn't stick to any kind of writing schedule that I would do the opposite and stop writing all together. I figured once the depression passed I'd go on and live a normal life without the guilt and obsession. So I've been adrift and purposeless. Trying to refind the purpose of all those years when I was in college with kids and went day to day. I look back and those seem like happy times, but were they or am I romanticizing the past here? Does it matter?
That's the question that repeats itself. Does it matter what I do? Or how I feel about it?
And there are all together too many things I can't seem to be.
Mostly I stay busy, I make the beds and do the laundry, draw, knit, read, and as long as I'm busy I'm fine but then I stop. There's a pause in the activity and a thought worms it's way inside my head. Does any of this matter? Is this who I am? Who am I and who cares? Does it matter? Just keep moving, keep moving. Don't sit still long enough to write a journal entry or print those pictures you were supposed to mail to the family or it will all come crashing down. And then your body will grow to heavy to move and you'll never get anything done that way.
I guess it's more like a circle than a yo-yo. More round and round than up and down. Is it 'than' or 'then'? Does it matter?
- Mood:
mellow
Fortunately the kittens haven't exploded yet but two of them have bellies that are getting dangerously round.
- Location:At my computer?
- Mood:
exhausted - Music:buzzing in my head
Husband brought in pregnant cat with severe case of diarrhea.
And the cricket.
School started. Bus 45 minutes late first day. Daughter has no desk at school.
My birthday next week.
Did I mention the cricket. Chirp Chirp.
Somehow it all seemed much worse until I wrote it down. It's really a very short list. Except I still have no coffee pot and replacing the range and hood was expensive, and kittens keep you up all night, and cleaning up cat messes 3-4 times a day can seem more exhausting than the time it takes would imply.
- Mood: tired
- Music:Crickets chirping
I grabbed her in and kicked out Junebug, who was trying to eat her, out and said, "You can't just steal people's cats. She belongs to someone, look how fat she is!"
And he said, "I think she's pregnant." (Do I need to cue the scary music again or can you already hear it in your head?)
Now this cat was so small she couldn't be much more than a kitten herself, but I put my hand under her abdomen and sure 'nuff, nipples. We gave her food and water and a few hours later her milk filled in. Then there were two flea baths, ticks picked off with tweezers, three kittens born a week later and a $160 vet bill because she's having bathroom problems. Oi.
And now there are three adorable kittens and two daughters and a husband who insist we can figure this out. Which means keep them all. Insane, the whole lot of them are insane.
- Mood:
crazy - Music:Something Scary
It makes me think of those people who say they 'channel' writing. Maybe there's some truth in it, if it's not coming from me but through me then it makes sense that it's not there now. I've closed myself off.
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